Always free in the woods?

So, I'm here. At the cabin. My feelings are mixed.

Rainbow is not the steady guy I thought he was. He left in the middle of the night to sleep at his parents house. I woke up completely alone, with no explanation. Any romantic feelings I entertained for him have dissolved.

The cabin itself has a lot of potential. But progress has been slow. The place needs insulation and a dependable heat source before one could even entertain the idea of spending the winter here. If that heat source ends up to be wood...well, we just don't have the time to chop up all the wood needed to heat the cabin. I seem to recall my dad spending all summer chopping wood for the winter.

I've been talking to Star about this (the only other person at the cabin with both intelligence and work ethic) and we agree that the cabin is almost what we've been looking for...but not quite. I'm happy to spend some time healing this part of Mother Earth--there's trash everywhere that I want to get to the dump before I leave--but I can't stay here. I am not nearly educated enough to be a rural homesteader. I had no idea what I was getting into when I quit my job and headed for the woods.

Do I regret quitting my job? No. Star had some more wise words about being a wanderer. It's a blessing to live such a life. Many people are stuck and have no escape to see the world.

Will I be happy as a wanderer? I don't even know if that's a valid question, because I can't imagine a different life than the one I'm living.

Plus, there's no way I'm staying at the cabin. The people Rainbow allows to stay are...well...a bit unhinged. They have little to no respect for themselves or those around them. They linger at the cabin, while all the sensible folks leave, unable to handle the cabin's demands and the energy-sucking Unhinged.

At the same time, the cabin sits on some gorgeous land. I wanted to spend my time writing and creating. Instead, it's more like a nonstop party. When people arrive, they inevitably bring beer. It's not what I'm looking for.

Time to regroup. I have a couple job leads in the Twin Cities. From there, I can tap into the sustainable development sector and score an internship. Then next summer, I'll apprentice in a rural sustainable community and learn from people who have been living simply for decades. Much better idea than trying to teach it all myself and do it all by myself in near isolation.

Still, I thank Rainbow for convincing me to leave my previous job, which was taking me nowhere I wanted to go. Now, I have the opportunity to recenter myself. I know this sounds cheesy, but I sometimes get this feeling inside that I'm destined for great things. It's just that, a vague feeling, nothing more tangible at the moment. But that will change as I keep growing and trying new things.

Life's lack of straight lines is frustrating. But I know that trying to impose a straight line won't work for me. I'm like a river winding its way "sedulously" to the sea. Actually, that is a pretty good metaphor, because I do sometimes suspect I'm choosing the path of least resistance. But I know that's not true, since it wasn't easy to quit my job, and now it's definitely not easy to admit defeat, so soon after arrival. I've just got to face the facts--this cabin idea is premature for me. It's my end goal--sustainable rural living--but I have much more to learn before I'm ready.